Somewhere between sad and glad

Kadang-kadang rasa tak faham. Senangnya orang ambik jalan mudah keluar. Senangnya orang tak mau bersabar. Senangnya buat orang sambil menyalahkan orang-orang yang lain dan 'keadaan'.

A good friend recently said 'You kena mengaku kelemahan you. You tak boleh nak keep on fighting because sometimes you really have to admit (succumb?) to how you truly feel before you heal the pain. Kalau you sedih, feel the hurt inside you. Menangis la puas-puas. Lepas tu move on. Dan you tak patut question kenapa semua ni jadi sebab Tuhan dah tentukan semua ni. Ada sebab baik kenapa Dia nak semua ni jadi kat you. Memang you marah, you rasa unfair. Tapi siapa kita nak persoalkan semua ni? Redha tak bermakna hidup lemah. Jadi lembik. No. Cuma jangan lawan perasaan tu semata-mata you nak tunjuk kat semua orang that you are strong, that you're a fighter, that others can do no shit to you. Bila kita dah sedar, kita usaha untuk banyak bersabar, janganla risau sebab Dia tau dan nampak semua ni. And He is Maha Adil, Maha Pengasih - hugely likely Dia akan bagi you reward sikit-sikit bila you berubah. Sedar la, dunia ni tak habis kat sini je. You fikir baik-baik kenapa you jadi macam ni. And take a step back, ambik lah simpang yang lagi satu tu. Sebab Dia sayang dekat you lah you jadi macam ni. Kalau Dia tak sayang dekat kita, kita tak dapat ujian yang kita rasa tah hapa-hapa ni. I've known you for 12 years. Please la, I tau you tak lemah macam ni. Jangan jadi bodoh. Buang degil keras hati you tu. Tu semua makan diri. Banyak la sabar.'

Aduh...

Sometimes, you just get the unexpected lashings from the most unexpected people. But they do you good. Really.

Sigh...I hope I can keep my head sorted for good. I just wonder why some people who look tough on the outside simply give up easily. If you have faith in something, and your instinct tells you that it's a yay, why can't you sabar for a bit more. I know I'm far from being religious, and preaching about faith in that sense really isn't my forte. But refusing from having faith (both iman and keyakinan tentang sesuatu) means you are never going anywhere. Tinggal lah kau kat situ.

You have to fight for what you want. Dan melawan dengan hati batu mata tertutup itu tak bawak ke mana pun. I now believe that you can still fight in silence. Provided only if your conscience is clear, and you stop pointing fingers at the world. And yeah, stop running away from problems too because it doesn't solve anything. Instead it throws you further into the deep end.

You hurt me alright. But I pity you more for refusing to grow up and face the music. Although this hasn't been pretty, I think I'm blessed to be given the chance to work on turning on a new leaf.

I just hope that one day you will too. (You know who you are).